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DIOXIN PROVING
By Linda Grierson and Phillip Robbins
INTRODUCTION
WHAT IS DIOXIN? (From Greenpeace report by Joe Thornton 1997)
Dioxin is a general term that describes a group of hundreds of chemicals that are highly persistent in the environment. The most toxic compound is 2,3,7,8-tetrachlorodibenzo-p-dioxin or TCDD. The toxicity of other dioxins and chemicals like PCBs that act like dioxin are measured in relation to TCDD. Dioxin is formed as an unintentional by-product of many industrial processes involving chlorine such as waste incineration, chemical and pesticide manufacturing and pulp and paper bleaching. Dioxin was the primary toxic component of Agent Orange.
Dioxin is one of the most toxic chemicals known. A report released for public comment in September 1994 by the US Environmental Protection Agency clearly describes dioxin as a serious public health threat. The public health impact of dioxin may rival the impact that DDT had on public health in the 1960's. According to the EPA report, not only does there appear to be no "safe" level of exposure to dioxin, but levels of dioxin and dioxin-like chemicals have been found in the general US population that are "at or near levels associated with adverse health effects." The EPA report confirmed that dioxin is a cancer hazard to people; that exposure to dioxin can also cause severe reproductive and developmental problems (at levels 100 times lower than those associated with its cancer causing effects); and that dioxin can cause immune system damage and interfere with regulatory hormones.
The International Agency for Research on Cancer [IARC] --part of the World Health Organization --announced February 14, 1997, that the most potent dioxin, 2,3,7,8-TCDD, is a now considered a Class 1 carcinogen, meaning a "known human carcinogen."
Dioxin is formed by burning chlorine-based chemical compounds with hydrocarbons. The major source of dioxin in the environment (95%) comes from incinerators burning chlorinated wastes (ie. Plastics) along with paper. Dioxin pollution is also associated with paper mills which use chlorine bleaching in their process and with the production of Polyvinyl Chloride (PVC) plastics.
HISTORY (From Greenpeace report by Joe Thornton 1997)
In the 1950s, dioxin was first discovered as the cause of severe health problems among workers who had been exposed to the by-products of explosions in chemical plants that manufactured certain chlorine-based pesticides. In these accidents, dioxin was formed and released into the workplace environment, causing systemic health problems among workers.
In the 1960s and 1970s, dioxin was identified as a contaminant in the pesticides themselves -- the components of Agent Orange -- and health problems began to emerge among soldiers and civilians exposed to Agent Orange in the Vietnam War. Subsequently, toxicological and epidemiological studies showed that dioxin was an extraordinarily potent carcinogen and caused damage to a variety of organs and systems in laboratory animals.
In the 1980s, the scope of the problem suddenly exploded. Dioxin, it was discovered, is formed not just in the manufacture of a few pesticides, but in a wide range of industrial processes involving chlorine or chlorinated materials. Trash incinerators and pulp and paper mills that used chlorine as a bleaching agent were found to release particularly large quantities of dioxin. The scope of environmental contamination by dioxin also turned out to be much greater than previously thought: dioxin was discovered in air, water, and wildlife on a truly global basis -- from the Great Lakes to the deep oceans to the North Pole. Significant dioxin concentrations were found in the bodies of the general human population and "market-basket" studies of the human food supply. By the end of the 1980s, it was clear that every person in the world is now exposed to dioxin.
Only in the 1990s, however, has the health risk posed by universal dioxin exposures become clear. In 1994, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) released its long-awaited "Dioxin Reassessment" [EPA, 1994a, 1994b], a project originally begun when the chemical and paper industries pressured the agency to revise downward its estimate of dioxin's toxicity and thus weaken regulations on dioxin sources. Contrary to the industry's intent, however, EPA's reassessment concluded that dioxin may pose a long-term, large-scale hazard to the health of the general population. New toxicological and epidemiological studies have indicated that in addition to its potential to cause cancer in humans and in animals, extraordinarily small quantities of dioxin can disrupt the body's hormone system, leading to severe effects on reproduction, off-spring development, and the function of the nervous and immune systems.
Two aspects of the environmental behaviour of dioxin-like compounds make them particularly troublesome: First, they are extraordinarily persistent, resisting physical, chemical, and biological degradation for decades and longer [Paustenbach et. al., 1992, Webster and Commoner, 1994]. As a result, even dilute discharges accumulate in the environment over time, reaching particularly high levels in aquatic sediments and in the food chain. Because they are so long-lived and can be transported long distances through the atmosphere, dioxins are now distributed on a truly global basis [Schecter, 1991, Brzuzy and Hites, 1996]. Inuit natives of Arctic Canada, for instance, have some of the highest body burdens of dioxins, furans, and polychlorinated biphenyls (PBCs) recorded, due to a diet dependent on fish and marine mammals from a local food chain contaminated by dioxin from distant industrial sources [Dewailly, 1994].
Second, dioxins are highly oil-soluble but insoluble in water; they thus bioaccumulate in fatty tissues and are magnified in concentration as they move up the food chain. In species high on the food chain, dioxin body burdens are typically millions of times greater than the levels found in the ambient air, soil, and sediments [Environment Canada, 1992]. Dioxins are also extraordinarily persistent in human tissues: estimated half-lives in humans are typically 5 to 10 years [EPA, 1994a].
At the apex of the food chain, the human population is particularly contaminated. A spectrum of dioxin-like compounds has been identified in the fat, blood, and mother's milk of the general population [Shechter, 1991]. Virtually all human exposures to these compounds occur through the food supply, particularly through consumption of fish, meat, eggs, and dairy products [Furst and Wilmers, 1991]. Significant quantities are passed from mother to child, during the most sensitive stages of development, across the placenta and via mother's milk [Schecter, 1991]. The daily PCDD/PCDF dose of an average nursing infant in the U.S. is 10 to 20 times greater than the average adult exposure [Birnbaum, 1994]. A nursing infant thus receives about 10% of the entire lifetime exposure to these compounds during the first year of life [EPA, 1994a].
HEALTH EFFECTS
Biochemical studies have shown that dioxins act as powerful "environmental hormones." Like the body's natural hormones, dioxins can cross cell membranes and alter the activity of genes that regulate the body's processes of development and self-maintenance. A molecule of any dioxin-like compound can bind to a specific "receptor" protein within the cell; this complex then enters the cell nucleus and interacts with DNA to change the expression pattern of certain genes. The resulting changes trigger a cascade of biochemical reactions, including the synthesis and metabolism of hormones, their receptors, enzymes, growth factors, and other substances. Unlike a natural hormone, however, dioxin resists metabolic degradation and has an extraordinarily high affinity for its receptor [Birnbaum, 1994]. Tiny doses of these "false signals" can thus have powerful effects on processes regulated by hormonal mechanisms, including cell proliferation and differentiation, as well as organismal reproduction, development, metabolism, and immune function (see Table 2). Dioxins can thus be thought about as "toxic transmitters," interfering with, confusing, and disrupting natural body systems, such as hormone, immune, and neurological systems.
In laboratory animals, exposure to dioxins, particularly 2,3,7,8-TCDD, has been associated with a remarkable variety of toxicological effects (see Table 2). Some of these effects have occurred at extraordinarily low doses. For instance, exposure of monkeys to just 5 parts per trillion of 2,3,7,8-TCDD concentrations in the diet caused impaired neurological development and endometriosis [Rier, et. al., 1993, Bowman, et. al., 1989]. Pregnant rats receiving a single small dose of 2,3,7,8-TCDD on day 15 of pregnancy, had male offspring which appeared normal at birth, but at puberty were demasculinized, with altered reproductive anatomy, reduced sperm count, feminized hormonal responses, and feminized sexual behavior [Mably, et. al., 1991]. Very low doses of dioxin have also produced immune system changes in rats and monkeys [Hong, et. al., 1989, Neubert, et. al., 1992, Yang, et. al., 1994, Lucier, 1991, Enan, et. al., 1992]. The recent finding that the genome of the HIV-1 virus contains regulatory sequences that bind the dioxin-receptor complex and activate transcription of viral genes is cause for concern that dioxin-like chemicals may also play a role in the expression of infectious disease [Yao, et. al., 1995].
Dioxins clearly cause cancer. All 18 studies on the carcinogenicity of 2,3,7,8-TCDD have been positive, demonstrating that dioxin is a multisite carcinogen in both sexes in the rat, mouse, and hamster by all routes of exposure investigated [Huff, 1994]. EPA has estimated that current background exposures pose cancer risks as high as one-in-one-thousand, a level that exceeds "acceptable" risk standards by up to a thousand times and, if accurate, could correspond to as many as 3,500 U.S. cancer deaths per year due to dioxin exposure [EPA, 1994a]. According to one review, "Epidemiological data from occupationally exposed workers now show accumulating and convincing evidence that exposures to TCDD are associated with several cancers in humans: respiratory, lung, thyroid gland, connective and soft tissue sarcoma, hematopoietic system, liver, and all cancers [Huff, 1994]."
While the non-cancer effects of dioxin in humans have received less attention, there is evidence that PCDD/F exposure reduces male sex hormone levels and libido [EPA, 1994a, Egeland, et. al., 1994, Wolfe, et. al., 1994, Webster and Commoner, 1994] and increases the risk of diabetes and related metabolic conditions [Wolfe, et. al., 1992, Sweeney, 1992]. In human infants, several studies indicate dioxin-mediated effects on physical, cognitive, and sexual development [Hsu, et. al., 1994, Chen, et. al., 1992]. Infants born to mothers who had consumed two to three meals per month of Great Lakes fish were underresponsive and hyporeflexic at birth and subsequently exhibited dose-dependent deficits in visual recognition memory and activity levels; these deficits were still present at follow-up at age 4. PCBs were measured in umbilical cord serum as a marker of total pollutant exposure, and the severity of developmental deficits correlated with PCB levels [Jacobson, et. al., 1990, 1992]. Finally, there is evidence of alterations in thyroid hormone levels, increased incidence of intracranial hemorrhage, and immune suppression associated with lactational exposure to PCDDs, PCDFs, and PCBs in Europe and Arctic Canada [Weisgas-Kuperus, et. al., 1996, Pluim, et. al., 1993, Koppe, et. al., 1991, Dewailly, et. al., 1993].
Every member of the general population, from the moment of conception until death, is now exposed to dioxin-like compounds due to ubiquitous contamination of the food supply. Several lines of evidence suggest that these "background" exposures may pose significant public health risks.
TOXICOLOGICAL EFFECTS OF DIOXIN-LIKE COMPOUNDS
(From Greenpeace report by Joe Thornton 1997)
Sources: Adapted from U.S. EPA, 1994a and Birnbaum, 1994
HOW IT COME ABOUT
This new remedy was introduced to me by a local, self-taught homoeopath Mathew Lines who claimed that it could cure depression and chronic fatigue especially in cases caused by chemical exposure. He had been using it himself for some time. Mathew was involved in an earlier proving of DNA and in exchange for some potencies of DNA he swapped me a bottle of Dioxin 30c. Soon after this, a colleague of mine who is sensitive to remedies undertook a blind, proving of this remedy on herself. Her main finding was that this remedy would be useful for people overloaded by toxicity from any source. Quite a useful attribute I thought. Another colleague, Linda Grierson became enthusiastic about this remedy, and offered to supervise a full proving of it. This she did most effectively.
Several potencies of the remedy were purchased from Helios Pharmacy in England and a proving was conducted in September and October 2000. All provers were blind to the remedy being proved and had a homeopathic supervisor.
TWO POEMS BY THE PROVING CO-ORDINATOR – Linda Grierson
The Grey River Of Sorrow
..Is sweeping us away in its’ depths…
I want to stay asleep
The pain of being awake is too heavy to bear.
I feel alone, so alone.
I can not reach out. I am alone.
Why bother to wake
It is not worth it. I can’t wake up.
I would have to grasp my will to do so.
Too hard. Too hard.
It is much more comforting
To stay in the dark depths, still in
Myself, gliding in the deep depths.
There is no light…
It would wake me…
It would hurt…
Day by day
Such a long time ago
I cannot remember another way.
I am asleep somehow.
The Lost Promise
The sleeping dead.
Arise my people
Earth’s doom is upon us…
What! Still asleep!
Is our cup of care
O so full of our self
That we can no longer reach out to life.
We are all so alone
Imprisoned in the emotional realm…
Separate from the gift of spirit,
We languish.
How can we, who are drowning in
Our own fear-based depth
Conceive of
Or breathe with, the brotherhood of man.
The Anti-Christ is alive and
doing well here on planet Earth.
Dioxin is the glove on his left hand.
His will forces are feeding
on the will forces of our sleeping dead.
The will forces so essential… what can we
take beyond the grave? The active will is the key
The eternal gift of spirit potency that carries forth into
The next realm.
METHODOLOGY AND PROVERS
THE PROVERS
No Sex Potency Taken
1a M 30c Helios 11.8.00. Repeated on day 5
1b 30c 16.8.00 (Same prover as above)
2a M 18c Helios 10.8.00 then 0/4 on day 21
2b 0/4 31.8.00 (Same prover as above.)
3a M 0/4 10.8.00 took 2 drops in small amount of water.
3b 0/4 2nd dose 1 month later
4 M 0/4 11.8.00 took 2 drops
5 F 0/4 10.8.00
6 M 30c 10.8.00
7 F 18c 10.8.00
8 F 0/4 10.8.00
9a F 18c 10.8.00. Repeated one dose on day 11.
9b 18c 21.8.00 (Repeat as above)
10 M 0/4 10.8.00
11 M 18c 10.8.00
12 F 30c 15.6.00
13a F 30c Sensitive prover held the remedy
13b 1M Radionic " " " " "
13c 7M Radionic " " " " "
13d 21M Radionic " " " " "
14 F 0/4
15a M 200c Helios 4.8.00, then 1M 8 days later
15b 1M Helios 12.8.00 ( as above)
16 M 200c 10.11.00
17 M 30c x 2 13.8.00 (See case 2 at end of proving)
18 M 30c ?.7.00 one dose and a 2nd after one week.
Prover 13 has had much experience with homeopathic provings and treatment and has discovered that she is very sensitive to remedies and can prove a remedy just as well by holding it for some time as taking it.
PROVING CODE
XX:0/4:dd:tt where:
XX is the prover number
0/4 is the potency used, in this case LM 4.
dd is the day number after dose
tt is the time after dose (on day 0 only)
PROVING
MIND
DEPRESSION / DESPAIR / NEGATIVE
4:0/4:2 'Imploding', restless, introverted. No interest in communication with people. Lethargic.
4:0/4:4 Tired all day. Not really energetic. Listless. Depressed.
5:0/4:6 Helping husband, sons, daughter with projects and activities, I am aware that I feel I should help.
I could see myself reacting, 'not being good enough' but was unable to do anything about it. I am an observer, I am not connected.
Firstly there is the positive and then there is the dark side of this.
Total isolation. A downward negative spiral contrary to normal self state where nature or a friend would usually pull me out.
Went back to child realm - I would close off, I wouldn't reach out, they won't understand.
I didn't set up energy so that I would connect with others.
Melancholy, lack focus, purpose.
Not much inspiration.
Move through the day as best I can - it is very busy.
5:0/4:14 I feel exhausted, old, stiff and fat and totally uninspired.
5:0/4:15 Grey and blustery Monday morning – oppressive.
Kitchen table open to the storm, the glass shattered in a thousand pieces. There is a cold wind blowing. I tell M to get a job to pay for it seeing he broke it and wanted to skimp on the insurance. He leaves without saying a word. I go into guilt and feeling bad immediately.
So hard to say things that confront others without feeling that I am the bad one.
I feel like crying. I am not going for what I think is right. Been deferring money matters to M.
My own self is not receiving care.
The edge, teetering on the edge.
Who to talk to, whose arms to cry in.
Whose lap to crawl onto?
6:30c:1 Feeling melancholy.
6:30c:1 Didn't feel much joy and happiness in situations that he normally would.
7:18c:1 Felt relaxed and positive and calm. CS
Got about my business. Felt positive even though there was reasons not to be. In the moment and enjoying things.
Felt calm about life. CS
Could have got annoyed about a few things – I just let them go. Would normally have got affected and this would have gone to a sense of hopelessness.
7:18c:1 Felt happy to be awake. CS
As long as I manage my Hep C I should be able to do it (be happy).
7:18c:2: Was emotionally excitable all day. Able to stay very positive. Didn’t fall into depression. (Prover has had a recent history of depression.) CS
7:18c:3 Cried about my Grandmother’s death a few weeks ago.
Went out with friends in the arvo. Usually get into despair and hopelessness. CS
7:18c:2 months later prover reported that she had not suffered depression since taking remedy (History of chronic depression and Hepatitis C since Heroin use in earlier life). CS
9a:18c:9 Agitated - sighing
Mentally and emotionally drained
Low energy, achy muscles, fatigued.
I have to work so hard.
Deep sadness, disappointment.
I am never good enough.
Tears.
12:30C:5 Deep feeling of being alone, lost in this feeling, nothing penetrates this mood, not friends, children, partner, music. No counter balance from any rational thought source.
No connection between mind and feelings. Not in touch with mental facilities.
Devoid of light/love. Insidious, kept in emotional realm where it is dense and dark and I am alone. Exhausted with my deep dark depths.
Period 10 days early (usually 28-35 days).
13a:30c:0 Alone – small – insignificant.
Heavy – low – shunned by everybody. Down trodden. A hard path to travel.
Darkness – depth.
Hardness – isolation – profoundness.
Cannot look us in the eye; their eyes are drawn down. Aboriginals (Australian).
Can’t fit in.
Heavy heart. Insidious. No sunlight.
14:0/4:2 Depression lifted (had felt listless, taking vitamins etc..)
Energy returned. Mental outlook great. CS
14:0/4:3 Feel really good, positive. Had been concerned with pending court case with ex partner, don't feel concerned now, have regained my strength, I feel stronger in myself. CS
18:30c:0. Immediate lifting of chronic depressed state. (I have worked in a garage and become ill from contact with paint thinners, degreasers and leaded and unleaded fuel and brake fluid. I made potencies of Thinners and leaded fuel and took them which relieved the acute malaise but they didn’t stop the general chemical sensitivity to chemical influences in the environment. Dioxin 30 did.) CS
WITHDRAWN / ISOLATED
3a:0/4:1 During the day felt a bit down and alone, spacey and heavy-headed. In the evening, felt withdrawn at times.
3a:0/4:2 Very tired from 4 pm, withdrawn.
3b:0/4: Unable to change mood. Strong line of negativity. I don’t want this. Opposite of creativity. No thought, more feeling of lethargy. Withdrawn into self.
5:0/4:6 I am an observer, I am not connected.
Total isolation. A downward negative spiral contrary to normal self state where nature or a friend would usually pull me out.
Went back to child realm - I would close off, I wouldn't reach out, they won't understand.
I didn't set up energy so that I would connect with others.
8:0/4:1 Felt okay around people. CS
12:30C:5 Deep feeling of being alone, lost in this feeling, nothing penetrates this mood, not friends, children, partner, music. No counter balance from any rational thought source.
13a:30c:0 Alone – small – insignificant.
18:30C:-- Less exhausted by human contact. CS
FEAR THAT GOOD IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH / LOSS OF FAITH / FEAR OF LIFE
5:0/4:10 My week had been about disillusionment, fear, an undermining fear that took my power away, my hope, my energy. It isolated me from others and it made me want to return to the safety of the womb. It brought me to the edge of my deepest fear - that my life is based on a lie, a false promise. That I could take right action, open my awareness, face my own issues, manifest my vision, contribute on a meaningful spiritual way to family / community / the planet, make a better place, was all a lie. That the big bad world of unscrupulous people, who are after money and don't have a heart will triumph over good because good is not good enough. There was a promise once that I remember way back (deeply within me). Life goes on and there is something I could, but can’t contribute. What’s the point? Its behind the frame. All tied up. Bound.
10:0/4:2 Before I could not handle the negative effects of wars. An aspect of myself I could not look at. Now I can look at it and accept it. Violence/fear force no longer has any power over me. CS
12:30C:-- At the end of 10 days, had several unusual excursions. In hindsight, I can see that over the years I had become very fearful of embracing the world. I felt very vulnerable and over-protective of my 3 small children. I felt unprotected in the world. I rarely left my home for leisure and spending money was only done with specific planning.
Excursion 1 – Went shopping with woman friend in Byron Bay in jewellery and clothes shops. Cannot remember doing this before. My friend bought me some beautiful earrings and we ate costly treats. Enjoyed it, was nervous but not fearful.
Excursion 2 – One evening drove myself and 3 children to Byron Bay. We window-shopped and bought take-away to eat on the beach. Could not have done this before, too vulnerable, children should be asleep etc. We had fun.
Excursion 3 – Whole family stayed with friends at Suncity Resort, Gold Coast, 25 floors up, for 3 nights. I felt very courageous, mastered the security systems, lifts etc. Amazed at plumbing of a 30 floor building. Visited shopping mall, saw statue of David, 5-6 metres high, so beautiful, unbesmirched by the chaos and material wastage around him.
My fear based control seems no longer relevant. I am able to embrace reality and receive the gifts of it without becoming weighed down by negativity.
Felt very free from something that had been binding and controlling my life. CS
13d:21M:0 Ask ‘Why am I here?’
Can’t find any reason why. Want to withdraw.
Can’t do anything – lost the ability to do things
Like in a dreamtime state. Would be good for (Australian) Aboriginals.
15a:200c:1 On waking in bed – less anxiousness in stomach than usual. Easier to reach out to my wife – no fear (of life). CS
15b:1M:0 No fear saying no. CS
No fear going for what I want in the relationship.
15b:1M:1 Played tennis without getting tense – more able to perform under pressure.
HOPELESS / CAN’T BE BOTHERED
5:0/4:9 I feel so tired in mind and body. I feel myself closing off, not reaching out,
keeping my neediness, my lostness to myself even though I need a mother right now.
I feel such a sense of deep loss, pain and disillusionment, a hopelessness.
I want to be rescued - find a healer who can flick the switch and make life make sense instead of pulling it apart and making it all so fragmented, disconnected.
7:18C:4 Got feeling of ‘can’t be bothered’ after I invited old friends over. Actually, I really enjoyed it. Exhausted after.
13a:30c:0 Feeling – can’t be helped from the outside. ‘You can’t help me.’
18:30C:-- Hopelessness replaced by hopefulness. CS
NEGATIVE ABOUT SELF
3b:0/4: Distinct negativity pertaining to self. I am no good. I am not making this work. I am not doing what’s expected.
13d:21M:0 Can see horrible things, like in Hyoscyamus and Belladonna.
You are a horrible thing – that’s why.
13d:21M:0 Causes self punishment; and is very determined in that.
9b:18c:8 Was asked if wanted to be paid for my work at the school.
Claiming my worth. CS
RAW / VULNERABLE / FRAGILE
5:0/4:1 K (my son) was filling out his coach-review form for soccer and I was very surprised at how positive it was. I commented that I thought he should give honest feed back if he wanted improvement in his coaching. We got into this amazing fight, me against the two boys where I screamed how K was always complaining about how bad his coach was and they saying how I was making it all up, rubbishing me and having a go at me. When they had all left for school I was aware of how raw and vulnerable I felt, sore in the heart.
5:0/4:6 Also easily moved to tears or anger, irritation.
7:18c:7 After visited friends place (a junkie) with lots of negative vibes around:
I didn’t remember to protect myself at her place. I was vulnerable – had just come from healing work.
9a:18c:1 Anxiety, trembling.
Ill at ease - hypersensitivity to vibes.
Courage has dropped.
Felt better taking action and interacting with people.
I feel anxious, scared, ill at ease in psychic environment as if there are ancestor spirits around.
Powerless, isolated, alone.
9a:18c:3 Displaced, homeless, depressed.
I have no life of my own.
Old symptoms. Panic, anxiety, at a loss, alone, isolated
Directionless, cut off from soul family/kindred people.
Feeling like I am not in the right place and what do I do here.
Solar plexus sore and fragile, fear, panicky, vulnerable and fragile.
12:30c:3 Afternoon – felt very fragile. More emotional.
12:30C:-- In hindsight, I can see that over the years I had become very fearful of embracing the world. I felt very vulnerable and over-protective of my 3 small children. I felt unprotected in the world.
FEELINGS SQUASHED / HEART CLOSED
6:30c:1 Mind clinical in looking at things.
Values, judging was suppressed, useless for interacting with people.
Feelings, squashed - sense of humour gone, not playful.
No spontaneous feelings to usual situation (himself)
Get angry with photocopier, and felt happy to have a feeling.
Mind and body are two distant things.
9a:18c:1 During rest: aware of heart – open. CS
Night: well-being
Love is now possible
No more fear and anxiety
9b:18c:12 I release John from my heart. Our future is in the hands of the gods. CS
10:0/4:2 I felt stronger in disciplining the children, with love, not my usual pushed to limit anger. They usually resented me for it. Eg. Our 3 year old must now sleep in his own bed not ours. CS
10:0/4:2 Before I could not handle the negative effects of wars. An aspect of myself I could not look at. Now I can look at it and accept it. Violence/fear force no longer has any power over me. CS
11:18c:4 Argument escalated, felt different after, felt remorse but a stronger ‘emotional’ sensation than normally, TEARY.
16:200c:5 More available in relationship.
16:200c:6 More joyous in relationship with other people
Wanting to communicate CS
ANXIETY / PANIC
7:18C:1 Woke 3.45 am (as usual). Didn’t wake with massive anxiety as have been. CS.
Went back to sleep till 5.40 am. Unusual.
9a:18c:1 Feel lostness and anxious (OS but much less than previous panic attacks/fear/paranoia.)
Can actually track feeling and let it pass.
9b:18c:1 Anxiety, trembling.
Ill at ease - hypersensitivity to vibes.
I feel anxious, scared, ill at ease in psychic environment as if there are ancestor spirits around.
9a:18c:2 I feel restricted, not free. Suppressed anxiety.
Feel nervous (butterflies)
Standing up for my rights.
9b:18c:7 Solar plexus anxiety.
14: Day 0. Prickling solar plexus: "something will happen"
feeling, similar to
when I began to perceive something on a clairvoyant level.
15a:200c:1 On waking in bed – less anxiousness in stomach than usual. Easier to reach out to my wife – no fear (of life). A more objective sense of relating ie. When both our physical needs for intimacy (sex) meet…
Relaxed and still in that. CS
15a:200c:6 Hurried feeling all day in work – forgetful and scattered:
Still not very anxious about it.
15a:200c:7 Anxiety about my hay fever is >.
Hay fever >. CS.
IMPATIENCE
8:0/4:1 Impatient taking dog for a walk (I don't usually get impatient with the dog and walking)
11:18C:3 Impatience: seems slightly better, not as 'vehement'. CS
11:18C:later. Prover felt that he had become more patient. CS
ANGER
4:0/4:2 General mood: Dissatisfied, restless, frustrated sexually (increased) not content.
Felt pissed off yesterday.
4:0/4:4 Very angry - not usual.
Hot, unsubstantiated, dumb and needless.
4:0/4:6 Still angry - not having control of my project
Waiting on courier for parts.
And have been stuffed around for two days waiting.
A week of anger followed.
11:18c:5 Feels calmer, not bothered by things as much.
Not so angry, milder. CS
16:200c:1 Short burst of passionate blaming anger.
18:30c:0 Vanishing of anger, previously constant. CS
OVERWHELMED
4:0/4:4 Everything really heavy and I have to chew on it.
Financial difficulties, this and that.
It's all too much.
The depression not unfamiliar.
I feel like crying.
The energy is frazzled.
5:0/4:3 Special day, my birthday. The strangest un-birthday like day today.
First thing in morning felt scared and overwhelmed; sad, on the verge of tears and strangely disconnected. I felt vulnerable, withdrawn and melancholy. No birthday greetings from kids or Mark. I had expectations of being made a fuss of - even though I had set up the day to be busy. I feigned indifference and carried on.
All my old feelings of being ignored, not valued and taken for granted came up and that I had to hide my feelings and bake the cakes etc.
5:0/4:7 Overwhelmed by bills, Centrelink (Social services), all the organisational stuff of the world.
5:0/4:8 I need to get away. Need some quiet to listen to myself.
I feel swamped, overwhelmed and on the edge of tears all the time.
I want to be able to sleep for a long time.
I want someone to come and heal me, to lift this fog and tiredness away from me. Make all the bad things go away - have some light and nurturing.
12:30c:4 Dense and dull. Headache like hangover headache. ‘Everything too much’.
DISCONNECTED
4:0/4:1 I felt my limbs had their own brain. I noticed my movements.
4:0/4:1 I looked in the fridge. Forgot what I was looking for. Everything caught my attention –fascinated.
4:0/4:4 Everything really heavy and I have to chew on it.
Financial difficulties, this and that.
It's all too much.
The depression not unfamiliar.
I feel like crying.
The energy is frazzled.
I feel like I am standing outside it. Objective.
5:0/4:2 Good, energetic in morning - very giggly, disconnectedness, surreal feeling.
5:0/4:6 Still feeling disconnected with the world.
5:0/4:7 I feel fear, absent and depressed.
6:30c:1 Focused on events and things, not people.
Felt distant from people.
6:30c:1 Part of personality being de-emphasised.
World around became less important.
Felt foreign world when out - compared to thinking about mundane things - okay.
Normally would upset me (mundane things)
6:30c:3 Positive outlook, happy, interactive, felt connected all day. CS
Happy to engage in life.
6:30c:4 Tuned into colours and patterns on walk. CS
What Byron Bay had to offer me.
Switched on to physical world around me. (scenery, people, colours)
6:30c:4 Felt a bit wasted this morning (remote)
8:0/4:1 No spacey feelings. CS
8:0/4:5 Woke up, felt disconnected - just wanted to look at nature.
Noticed sun shining; plant across the road.
Felt how beautiful everything was.
Felt connected to nature side.
9a:18c:7 Don't feel in my body – Spacey
9a:18c:3 Displaced, homeless, depressed.
I have no life of my own.
Old symptoms. Panic, anxiety, at a loss, alone, isolated
9b:18c:6 Am told I am not present or productive enough.
15a:200c:0: Immediately on taking the remedy – a tension in forehead and an inclination to space out or drift off. Relaxing.
MIND AND BODY SEPARATED
5:0/4:9 Evening: I went out, talked to people, had dinner, went to a magnificent show. Makes it easier to bear when you see yourself outside yourself.
Dance, movement, music. I need to get out of my mind and into my senses.
6:30c:1 Mind and body are two distant things.
12:30C:3 Feelings and emotions are very deep; felt like they are very separate from the intellect.
12:30C:4 No connection between mind and feelings. Not in touch with mental facilities.
BOUNDARIES / PERSONAL SPACE / SENSE OF SELF
1a:30c:2 Very sensitive about space and boundaries, new lover more demanding and intrusive of space. I feel I need my own space.
1a:30c:4 Holding my space strongly.
1b:30c:5 Strong anger from feeling intruded upon in my space.
3b:0/4: I recognize now when I worry about something not worth worrying about. I catch myself before the worry takes hold. Trust in abundance.
I feel like I am having to grow up. Decided not to go with wife to Sydney. We rarely spend time away from each other.
4:0/4:1 Had to go into town. Felt weird/odd. I saw people looking at me. I was staring. They had to look away. It was like when our eyes met or locked, they held for longer than usual.
4:0/4:2 Went up into bush to get away from kids and be alone.
8:0/4:5 Am going to do a full moon celebration on my own for the first time.
9a:18c:2 Conflict with house partner - control issues in someone else's home. Boundary issues. I witness that this is a recurring conflict in my life.
13d:21M:0 Selfishness – possessive of things. The remedy attaches itself to people well, like a leach. I can see my mum, when I was very young.
This remedy has given me back ‘me’.
INABILITY TO ACT / WEAK WILL
5:0/4:1 I watch my son relentlessly tease my daughter in a very cruel and detached way, not realising how vulnerable she feels. I stayed out of it but felt my emotion well up from my heart and get stuck in my throat and pricked behind my eyes.
7:18C:4 Woke this morning focusing on getting a job. CS
Got up and did jobs about the house.
7:18C:5 Got offered work – good.
8:0/4:5 Woke up, felt disconnected - just wanted to look at nature.
Effort to get up and do things (average everyday things).
Didn't feel like doing anything.
10:0/4:2 Strengthening of will power. Usually smoke and drink moderately (every 3 days or so). I came home after work, didn’t blob out in front of TV with a joint. I spent some quality time with kids. My wife relaxed and wasn’t so stressed. I have more energy for the children. Energy level up, feel creative. CS
10:0/4:2 I can see what steps I need to take to achieve my purpose and to take responsibility for my creation. I want to make my visual concepts a reality eg. Mullumbimby skate park.
I need to get more physical and be more with the earth. CS
13d:21M:0 Can’t do anything – lost the ability to do things
14: :1 Feel like I have stepped back in time to when I could set myself a goal and do it. CS
DON’T WANT TO FACE THE DAY / STAY UNCONSCIOUS / STAY IN BED
4:0/4:1 Woke with alarm, usually wake before. Took a long time to wake up, lost in dreams, didn’t want to stop.
I decided not to go to work, didn’t feel like going (not totally unusual). I felt too unfocussed. Did few work repairs at home.
4:0/4:2 Didn't get out of bed until 11 am today.
5:0/4:4 I don't want to face the day.
A lot of fear in my body. The world, the evil, bad world felt overwhelming, with me insignificant and unable to manifest my dreams and stop the destruction of the earth.
5:0/4:6 Waking from slumber a lot of fear comes up.
Fear about big developers building, 450 new houses on the hill in my back yard.
Feeling powerless to change things or just apathetic.
I don't want to face all the things that need organising.
My own irritability to focus on and give direction to my life. Not wanting to get up and face the day.
12:30c:4 Wanted to stay asleep this morning, in a safe dark still place (unusual). Unconscious, where nothing is happening, dead space, felt nice.
Defeated attitude of resolution, mustered self to deal with children, feeling of ‘so what – what does it matter’
CHAOS / SHAMBLES
4:0/4:4 I want to be full of energy. Trying to force self.
Mind trying to get act together.
My own home is a shambles (care taking ex's home and two sons)
I have a lot of work on.
I have to push myself really hard.
5:0/4:11 In-laws visiting, much domestic pressure. I try to smooth everything, serve the greatest need. I run around to make sure they are comfortable. I rush to the caravan to get my extra pillow for them. I fall on my bottom - jarring the whole caravan, my altar is shaken, my Buddha falls, all the Goddesses remained standing. Chaos.
DRUGS AND TOBACCO
3b:0/4: I recognize now when I worry about something not worth worrying about. I catch myself before the worry takes hold. Trust in abundance. CS
Less desire to indulge in alcohol and nicotine.
I feel like I am having to grow up. Decided not to go with wife to Sydney. We rarely spend time away from each other.
7:18c:2 Gave up cigarettes years ago – been a battle for years now. Had four on Saturday. I can’t discipline myself. Half of me wants to and half not – a split. Been able to be positive about stopping smoking (even though I had a few), instead of saying ‘fuck it, I don’t care.’
10:0/4:2 Strengthening of will power. Usually smoke and drink moderately (every 3 days or so). I came home after work, didn’t blob out in front of TV with a joint. CS
Clear to me that marijuana can manipulate me away from my own power and spiritual relationship.
FASTING
4:0/4:Later: Prover fasted for some weeks.
10:0/4:-3 day juice fast to prepare for remedy (very unusual)
11:18C:Later: Prover commenced a cleansing fast for some days, then shifted house.
FREE, ELATED, LIGHTER, HAPPY
1a:30c:1 Early morning thought of ex-beloved. Felt moment of freeness. CS
1a:30c:4 Profound meditation. Positive feelings flowing to ex-partner, without effort, no hooks. Beautiful. Perfect morning and day. CS
1a:30c:4 Lower back sore, positive feelings and experiences with it. CS
2a:18c:3 Bit lighter mood. Happier with self. CS
2b:0/4:1 Mentals good. Felt calmer and lighter. Letting things go over my head more. CS
4:0/4:0: for few hours I tried to work on computer – no interest – unusual. Gave up, lack of concentration, euphoria, nothing appealing , no drive, felt ok doing nothing.
5:0/4:13 The gloom has lifted. CS
Seeing funny side of life, laughing.
6:30c:1 Woke up good, mind sharp all day. CS
Creative morning.
No melancholy (identified as different)
6:30c:2 Woke up feeling good. Alive. CS
World around me felt interactive.
Talked to more people than usual.
Not as mundane things today.
Not clinical today.
Accepting of people and things.
Felt happy and involved today.
Felt start of attaching, joked, listened.
Felt happy, engaged in activities.
6:30c:4 Woke up, felt good, positive, well rested. CS
6:30c:4 Took a break and a rest and tuned in (visual images normal)
Felt more relaxed, calm.
7:18c:0 Took remedy at 12 mn. At first, a sense of peace. CS
7:18c:1 Lying in bed – my mind was very playful
I am not a happy person usually. [History of depression]
7:18c:1 Just received a bunch of flowers anonymously.
7:18c:8 Feel fine this morning – ‘Chippa.’
9a:18c:3 Feel loving, Blissful sensations of body.
9a:18c:10 Feel at last it's okay to receive in bounty and joy.
It's okay to have pleasure in my body.
Feel stable mentally, physically and emotionally.
10:0/4:3 Clear meditation, higher self amalgamated with body, beautiful healing space. I feel grateful to the earth, for my home and being able to love.
I witnessed energies moving deep inside the earth, between the core and the crust, crystals and golden cities.
14: :1 Felt like a veil was lifted. > From feeling exhausted and swamped, my energy lifted.
MATURE / ADULT
3b:0/4: I recognize now when I worry about something not worth worrying about. I catch myself before the worry takes hold. Trust in abundance.
I feel like I am having to grow up.
Decided not to go with wife to Sydney. We rarely spend time away from each other.
5:0/4:6 Watching videos of phases of my life it moved me because it is gone now, in the past.
My innocence, my parents, my childhood.
6:30c:Later: Prover found that he was taking time to ponder things that he hadn’t questioned for some years. He felt he was thinking more deeply. Situations arose where he was able to resolve dysfunction in relationships of family origin. He feels that he is now able to find a more spiritual depth in his work.
7:18:1 Feels good getting older and living my life.
OTHER
1a:30c:3 Feel moody off and on.
1b:30c:1 Increased energy, almost nervous, faster vibration, heart beat bit intensified.
1b:30c:1 Strong awareness in meditation on body and mind, ex-partner coming up strongly, sometimes objective, sometimes in emotions. Everything increased, body, mind and emotions.
4:0/4:2 Energy: Up and down - I need the sun, it's been cloudy.
5:0/4:5 I was telling a friend about my mother's recent death. I spoke about her cancer making her tired, cold and depleted. I wonder how I can test if I am completely healthy and free of Cancer.
6:30c:4 Felt stressed and started running on adrenalin.
9b:18c:1 Courage has dropped.
Powerless, isolated, alone.
Have lost creative impulse.
9b:18c:9 Stable, calm, confident, at ease, belonging, flowing. CS
Have been loaned a car. Have another place to live
Feel full, whole and grounded.
13a:30c:0 Perception, senses dazed and dulled.
13c:7M:0 Drifty, dreamy state – go on a huge journey:
16:200C:5 Averse computers (Usually very keen on computers)
18:30C:-- Mood swings
DREAMS
[With titles by the Proving Editor in italics]
Boundaries crossed
1a:30c:3 Dream – football game. I am looking at the sideline. Something happening, some rule broken, sideline crossed but game goes on, not stopped. Boundaries.
2b:0/4:2 It won’t happen unless you make it happen
Dream: A car crashes into the water. People in the car – not getting out. Trying to save people in car. We could not break any of the glass. People on the bank.
Nobody had a gun to shoot out the glass. We had lifted the car on to a ledge. No one was doing anything.
Feeling from dream was ‘It won’t happen unless you make it happen.’
2b:0/4:5 Until someone takes some action all the talking in the world
means nothing
Dream: About a man called Steven Green, a Navy officer (who I know is dead) giving me advice about handling a problem I asked about it and said what I had told a friend of mine, and that is, that until someone takes some action all the talking in the world means nothing. Now that man (or we) had taken action he was to send another senior officer to help us or to talk with us. (Someone who’s name was on a piece of paper I already had.)
2b:0/4:6 Just enjoy the game; cold feet
Dream 1: On a cruise ship - a tennis tournament was taking place. Steffie Graf was talking with me about tennis. She was feeling ill, not playing well. I said, just enjoy the game, it really does not matter. She looked very pale and ill. One of the 'bad' male players turned into some sort of a demon.
Dream 2: An abattoir was closing down and I was going inside but it was like going inside a modern department store. I saw the killing floor. A group of calves were trotting around looking purposeful. Big plastic bins of cut up carcasses (pigs) in hot water moving in line along the floor on a conveyor belt. I walked a bit further and saw other men looking through large glass windows with steel windows. The air was normal temperature, but the floor was freezing.
Everyone was kicking their feet on and off the floor, jumping up and down, because it was so cold (but the air was normal and not cold at all) They were all wearing ordinary clothes.
2b:0/4:7 Gambling and fighting
Dream: In a casino, someone in the corner started a fight. It came toward our table (a black man, a woman and me), we had just won a large amount of money. The table beside us was smashed. The winner of the money said the money was going to charity. One of us picked up the money and put it in his or her pocket. We left the playing area and went into the foyer. There were other groups of men and women quietly talking and having drinks (cocktails etc). The fight came into the foyer and was getting bigger, everyone seemed to ignore it, no one was trying to stop it. People were starting to 'party' in the street. A petty tough tried to pick a fight with me, I kept trying to say just go away mate, just go away, but he was persistent. I was outside by now and he tried again. This time I said, okay let's go, but true to form as soon as you take up a fighting stance and are on for it and take up the challenge, they're full of shit and hopeless.
2b:0/4:10 Just do it for fun
Dream: Cycling (bike riding). A few road race. I am just having fun but every one else is taking it so seriously. I said all I want to do is do this for fun and keep fit but they want me to keep times, training times etc.
3a:0/4:0 Drug induced
Dream of being in a town a bit like Lismore in the afternoon walking along a footpath on the way to a large protest for a doof (party) to be held that night. Garbage bins pasted with white reflectors that were flashing. Lots of people in the street, young people on their way to the protest crowded footpaths (had this one before).
Then I was in a hostel of some sorts, upstairs resting/sleeping on newsagent racks (empty) and some people sleeping with sleeping bags. Town felt like Nimbin. I remember walking to a balcony where I looked down into a main street and saw cars parked at odd distances from the kerb, so that other cars had to swerve and zigzag through the street. Felt like we were waiting to go to the doof.
Quality of both dreams similar, like hallucinations, drug induced.
3a:0/4:2
Lots of dreams. Drugs, sports cars, loud music and shit
Got picked up hitchhiking by this bloke in a red BMW, topless, but halfway to destination (Nimbin), he got out and had to do something urgent somewhere so left me in the car.
Next thing I know I’m driving my car into ‘town’, and looked for safe spot to park, I thought up the side lane by a church, got out and straight away someone was there asking if I had any ‘pot’, said no, quite polite. Then found myself walking in suburban Nimbin (a local village known for its drug culture) and lots of young kids, 6-8 yrs, talking about ‘blue bearings’, the latest trips. A local adult/supervisor was saying ‘no’ to them.
Then driving through town, saw the balcony from yesterday’s dream, but couldn’t stop to check it out further.
Next dream I was walking with some people I knew in the evening and there was a lively atmosphere, here and there a sound system with different kinds of music playing from different venues. It was at a church that I walk through the yard where only about 4-6 people were sitting/lying listening to the tunes which were not loud enough for me and I remember checking out the speakers to see what they were capable of. Then I met a friend from a local town, he was keeping the back area (storage) of a bottleshop secure during the festive night. He then took me to meet a xxxxx group who were quite mature which I recognized and tried to mimic. The last thing I remember I was dropped off outside the town with a friend from Holland outside McA Lane where I rolled a joint/lit it and hitched to get home to freshen up. I remember I had to do a shit.
4:0/4:
Long dream with L. We were in an aeroplane. L was flying to NZ to go to a conference. She was a sex therapist/ counsellor. Young men in plane were asking her questions. She was answering calmly, know everything. I wasn’t sure if I was inside her or someone travelling with her. I don’t know if I’m separate or a part of her. Even though I didn’t know who I was or where, I was calm. My feeling was of confidence. I just was, It just is. I lost a lot of the dreams
4:0/4:
Dream: Saw folk from my high school years - I saw them as they look now, but I recognized them from my feelings.
4:0/4:3 Cryonic crypt
Weird dream, ‘Cryonic crypt’
I was living with my ex-partner. We decided to skip a few years. Get frozen for a few years (what a horrible thing to do!). We were bored - let's go for a deep, cold sleep. You sleep for 5 years then they wake you up. I felt the feeling of being frozen in the dream. Very unpleasant.
They have to clean you before you are frozen and shove a thing down your throat, like in a hospital. Inhuman like a piece of meat. Alien.
After five years they woke me up and told me that my partner's machine had malfunctioned after three years and that now she was asleep again. We could not see each other again because now she was asleep for another five years. I had to decide whether to stay asleep or if I should stay awake and wait for her three more sleeping years to pass. It was a difficult decision. Do I go back to sleep and then she will have to decide to wait awake or asleep or do I make the decision. I decide to stay awake for the five years. I would be aging five years while I was awake but at least we would see each other again. They woke me - I remember being awake again... I was on a headland. My senses were enlivened by the colours and sound of nature. The sky, the ocean. I felt very lonely. No one I knew was alive, only faceless people and machines to talk to.
5:0/4:0 A dead end. Strong sexual feelings. Acrobatic feats. Detached
from feelings
Dream 1: I am walking in a desert dune type landscape, sandy everywhere, but their surface is cracked from dryness. I am walking up a very very steep hill, a dirt road, newly excavated, not open to traffic except farmers and their sheep. I am looking for a shortcut back to the highway which I know is just up ahead. The road make a sharp left turn and veers away from the highway. I keep walking up and down the hills until the road stops at the top of a ridge and falls away steeple into a sand bowl way below. A dead end. I turn away to the sound of Dutch men's voices singing songs. I follow the sound off the road and discover two naked men swimming in a river full of mangroves bordering a swamp. I ignore their looks at me and ask where the highway is and find it's impossible to get to it from where I am. A, my 10 year old daughter, is also swimming in the river. I leave her there and turn back. First I see a "Koolmees", a finch, like we had in Holland, much larger in size, suspended in a dead tree branch, it is dead. I resist the temptation to help myself to its beautiful feathers and walk on to see an almost dead eagle on the ground with a huge vulture already pecking at it. I shoo the vulture away, I have trouble. It stares me down and comes for me, for a moment I am intimidated but then stand up and throw stones at it and scream. I look at the eagle and wonder if I should break its neck to end its suffering or let nature take its course.
Dream 2: I have come from a gathering of people and am walking along the streets of a busy city, small dark streets. Next to me walks a young man with a very attractive tight, muscled body. There is a nice feeling between us and I embrace him and kiss him, aware of my strong sexual feelings toward him. He pulls back and tells me his is scared of my strong sexual desire that my eyes express. I explain to him what it is like to live in a 20 year relationship, sleeping skin to skin and then have to do without that after the break up. As I speak I feel the intensity of those feelings. The longing to be held and to feel my skin against his.
We walk on, attraction and uncertainty between us. I realise I should play with him like boys do to loosen him up, to change the atmosphere. We play some street hockey, I saw he was good on rollerblades. I put mine on and grab one of the boys hockey sticks. He is on house shoes and holds a small plank in his hands. We play while my boys, especially Noah look at me and comment that I am a show off, acting like I know so much about hockey when I don't. It hurts my pride.
Dream 3: I am chosen out of the audience to be the assistant to an older man, bald head, stocky build, who is going to do some amazing acrobatic feat involving monkey bars and a strong wooden beam. He needs a lot of force and speed to spin and twirl and I am to hang behind him to give him a strong push at the decisive moment. I am to push him with my legs on his back. The whole dream was about him making preparations and fussing about getting everything right but I did not see the actual act. Act one stage I was aware that he was sucking my toes seductively, it was night time and I could see nothing, just feel the sensation. I thought it was strange and withdrew my feet.
Dream 4: I am with a lot of people, a lot of them old women, having something to eat at Camille's house. The house is freshly painted and looking great apart from the dining room which looks atrocious in pale green and cream. The work on it was stopped in the middle because Camille realised it was a bad choice of colour.
The feeling in all the dreams was, even though I was in it and the main character, I was observing all the details of landscape, colour, texture, light with an emotional detachment. Feelings were very far removed from me, no questions as to how or why. The dreams were more visual than feeling.
5:0/4:1 Running from a tiger; getting ready
Dream 1: I am in a ship-like building, lots of ladders, glass doors, separate levels and rooms. I am with another woman, we are running away from a fierce tiger and her cubs that are chasing us. They have a meal on their mind. The woman tries to convince me to hide with her in these cloth swings, having pulled the cloth, by which we climbed to that level up with us. I soon realise it's ridiculous, one leap of the tiger and she has us. We spend a long time running, hiding, seeking, watching in fear. The adrenalin rushing through our bodies, hearts pounding. At one point, I don't remember if I realise I am in a dream or not, I have enough of running away and I decide to deal with the tiger problem in one go. I climb to the top of the mast, to the crow's nest which has an iron disc under it which extends far enough out so no tiger can reach us. Enough with the fuss, it was a very matter-of-fact solution.
Dream 2: I am on top of a magnificent horse about to go for a ride. The owner of the horse is saddling it up in the most magnificent attire. The horse is powerful and frisky - the whole dream is about getting ready. I am surrounded by a whole lot of other people on magnificently dressed horses about to go for a ride.
5:0/4:5 Love connection with child; sex; mothering
Dream fragment: Staring in the face of a light brown child - eyes amazing. We lock eyes and the feeling of love, connection, completeness is overwhelming. I am filled with ecstatic joy.
Dream 2: I am watching a video clip of an all girl group. They sing a heartbreak song about a lost love. One of the girls is in her bed - satin red sheets, and sings passionately about love lost, loneliness. As I am watching I am aware that she is masturbating. The lights are soft and you can just make out the sensuous lines of her body. She orgasms and a dildo rolls to the side of her. I am amazed at the explicit footage of the video clip. Then she comes over to me, I am sitting on the floor in the audience and she slides her body onto my lap and presses against me.
I hold her, cradle her like a mother, I know just how she feels.
5:0/4:7 You never know where the pus is coming from
Dream: I am looking at my hands, they have a few cuts on them. I need to clean them, one of them has a lot of pus. A voice keeps echoing through my mind. 'You never know where the pus is coming from.'
5:0/4:12 Rich earth; underground swarm
Dream: The earth is moist and rich in humus. I can smell its moist richness. Out of a little hole a swarm of cockroaches flies, one by one, like little wasps from their nest. They are big and brown. I try to plug the hole with a stone. I hate cockroaches. I can't get close enough to do so.
The soil heaves and moves like a large animal is trying to surface. I watch, fascinated, not sure if it's good or evil. A bit later the patch is covered over like nothing ever happened. I did not see what animal caused the movement.
5:0/4:13 Strong bonds of love; lost; grapple with a bear
I woke from a nightmare
I am walking through the streets of the city towards a bus stop. I know the city and a shortcut. I have a whole bunch of children with me, my own among them. Strong bonds, love and trust. I lose my way, or rather the bus stop is not where I thought it was. We walk and search and ask and search. In this search I lose the children, when I realise they are gone I feel enormous pain and panic. I feel lonely. I feel stiff and old, need to get fit.
Dream 2: Flying (Flying contraption like a helicopter) over enormous forest, just missing tree tops (pine). Land in clearing and board raft (With a group of people). Floating in the middle of lake surrounded by jungle. Bears and panthers look hungrily at us, baring their teeth. A bear climbs aboard, he is threatening but I am not afraid. I grapple with him, feel his sharp teeth on my hand. I manage to push him back into the water where he belongs. I am praised and admired.
6:30c:1
Dream 1: During social encounter I felt measured against my friend. Didn't like the feeling.
Dream 2: Volvo station wagon - reminder of partner's friend's car. Felt views were worthless in regard to friend and being put down.
Dream 3: Objects - TV set, window and outlook in or out.
Can't do things as isn't right thing to do (outlook of friends) .
Re partner - external judgement (doesn't come into character)
Work - suggest action, can't do that ( felt uncomfortable judging)
Felt uncomfortable situation re: partner playout and friends outlook.
6:30c: Observer; no power to stop; nicotine haze
Dream 1: Ancient Japanese warriors, swords, key to solving problem (not vicious) Felt observer to a problem.
Dream 2: Car (not driver) called out to stop child of friend, no power to stop car.
Dream 3: Observer - man and woman discussion - heading towards an argument (admit she was wrong) Nicotine haze and she wasn't thinking straight. She had to agree to his idea and woman resisting.
6:30c:3 Money; Spectator; subservient
Dream 1: Bank re money. Loans office. Didn't feel comfortable with him. Choice of draft or loan.
Dream 2: Spectator. Brother-in-law, his name was Michael, tagged along. Then crowded group people (ferret?) attracted to a guy named Michael and his son named Michael (felt comfort with name Michael.) Felt pushed in typesetting to do what they wanted to do. Felt overpowered or pushed. Woman, red scalp with brown hair.
Dream 3: Car with two passengers. I gave way and people warred. In shop now, not sure for what. Woman in car mentioned to get something for BBC4 (English station). Overall I felt subservient, spectator with three Michaels. Typesetting, felt hoodwinked. Car with 2 passengers acting on directions.
6:30c:4
Dream 1: Hobart. Motor bike ride. Waterfront market. A view of people going into a big religious revival meeting. Side passed queue. Empty buildings, passage walking, door, looked behind me, couldn't get out. Found window out onto a cliff and down the cliff by hanging on to the trees I could descend cliff. Felt last part of journey. When door locked didn't panic. Felt inconvenient. Came to tunnel and wasn't sure if I could fit. Then dream ended. (worried, not sure) Fitting in tunnel was last part of journey.
Dream 2: Two women. Tattoo on chest. Didn't see what, she was pregnant. I was observer. Big colourful tattoos.
6:30c:1-5 Confrontation
Prover was aware that his dreams were based on experiencing confrontation and watching others confrontation.
7:18c:1 A delicate, healing snake
Dream: Showing kids this huge snake. It was lying in the gutter, in the sun. Lying on its back in the sun. Someone poked it. ‘Don’t!’ It had square teeth – quite delicate.
Analysis of dream: (The prover is asked for their associations to images)
The snake: It was a diamond python design; the biggest snake in the world. It was so content, enjoying lying in the sun. A healing image. I feel comfortable around them. The snake smiled.
The teeth: making a decision.
In general: I used to forget how delicate I am. I have more of that balance now. Used to take life on the chin. Felt the snake was my friend.
7:18c:3
Dream: Moved into a house with two women. Walls in lounge room blue- dark and loud. We are discussing repainting it. Under the paint I could see an elf like figure.
7:18c:6 Woke thinking ‘that was an amazing dream’ and it went soon as I thought that.
7:18c:12 Dream: A mutual friend coming to my window and sais ‘hi’.
This friend died on the weekend.
8:0/4:1 Two dreams: Depressing dreams and stress. One short, one long.
Characters: Ex-husband (alcoholic) on holiday.
Friend's daughter (no relation) found money, friend's daughter is after money.
8:0/4:2 Aloof
Dream: Met friends (haven't seen them for 9 years) was in a bar, music. I felt aloof and walked away and sat somewhere else. Partner kept looking at me oddly.
8:0/4:3
Dream: Video reflection, Gulf War stuff, didn't enjoy, rebels shooting. Helping woman in Palace. Supervising woman to clean blood off marble floor.
8:0/4:4 Love
Dream: Love. I was younger and met a guy. Connected in feelings towards each other. Nice feelings when I woke up.
8:0/4:5
Dream 1: Friend in dream. A flash house. Critical guy came in and criticised what had been done.
Dream 2: Friend + 2 packing up food and two small children and going on a walking track. I went to loo and came out and people were still there. Why hadn't they gone on the track?
9a:18c:1
Dream: I am in the kitchen packing to go on an overseas trip. My mother is there. There is a leather bag, I put my passport and purse into it. Then I go to a large hotel where all the relatives are staying.
Getting ready for the flight, can't remember where passport is... and then I remember and look in the leather bag.
9a:18c:5 Bursting water pipes; drugs and loud music
Dream 1: I am at new restaurant having a meal. I notice some moisture creeping through carpet and spreading fast. My friend is looking at pipes - the heating system. Something is wrong.
Water is leaking. I suddenly take action to protect myself by jumping up from my seat and duck under the cafe bench just as the pipes break under too much pressure from the boiling water. The water spurts out in jets through the room. At least I won't be scalded.
Dream 2: I am back in Glastonbury in a house where many many males live. They play really loud music and take heroin. Not a good place for me so I plan to have breakfast with friends. I really want to drop in to my boyfriends - I wonder if he will mind - he was probably out late last night.
9a:18c:6 Change track
Dream: A woman is showing me some railway tracks and telling me to switch the track controls so that a train going a certain way can go down another track.
9a:18c:8
Dream: talking to John on phone - he is telling me of his physical pain. Then he stops talking. I keep asking and there is still silence. I am worried that he has collapsed and I try to call again later.
9a:18c:10
Dream: Meat being chopped up at a butchers.
9b:18c:4
Dream: A young man refers to me as Japanese. I am helping at a spacious house with wooden floors. There is a nicely decorated ancestor altar cupboard on the wall. There are children and I am helping to mind them.
9b:18c:5
Dream 1: I am driving a car onto a ship and then go to an island and I drive the car off the ship.
Dream 2: I am driving a car under a cliff and skiers are jumping off it and landing on the snow beside the car. What if they land on the car?
9b:18c:7
Make decision to leave live-in work position.
Dream: Being offered a job by high profile public figure.
9b:18c:10 Submarine; gambling; money
Dream 1: I am in a pool of water and suddenly there is a strong gust under me. I wonder if it is a shark or a jet stream. Actually some submarines are being launched.
Dream 2: I am at a gathering, there is a poker machine type thing where I go up and put a coin in and I hit the jackpot. Money, golden coins come out the bottom.
10:0/4:3
Dream of meeting up with friend who died (heart attack – 40’s) 40 days ago. Know he had been waiting to see me. He is working at the front door of a nightclub, looks really cool. We are really glad to see each other. He can leave now.
15a:200c:1
Happy feeling in my dreams (were fearful or anxious before). CS
15a:200c:3 From anxious student to responsible teacher
Dreams of being a teacher, leader and employer. (life long dreams of being a student at school and getting lost or being late for class – with lots of anxiety.) This dream was the opposite – being in charge.
I am the leader of some group – taking responsibility for something or other. It feels natural – not a burden.
15a:200c:7
Dream: Two tour busses. The drivers find that the passengers have left all the picnic and BBQ gear in the park when they left. The driver realises it is his responsibility and has to pack it all up. I am sitting in the park with friends watching.
Analysis by prover: Responsibility for others – taking it on – like the previous dream.
GENERALS
TOXIC
9a:18c:6 Flatulence, belching, poor digestion.
Gut ache, feel too full to eat.
Tongue coated in yellow.
Feel like I am de-toxing.
13a:30c:0 Indicated for toxic build up of symptoms
Eg. In eczema when toxins build up.
Shock – feel bilious and can’t cleanse – looks like Nux.
Asthma – with too much medicines.
13a:30c:0 THE REMEDY STATE: heavy, hard like a deep river. A dense strip in the middle will slowly achieve its disconnection between what is and isn’t. Like a black layer a few feet down under the earth’s surface. Reminds me of Golon (a character from ‘Lord of the Rings’) sitting next to a river of Tar. (A Dwarf/money thing) Watching the river, it gets bigger. Doesn’t have the ability to accept a hand from someone else. Like watching a tar river and by the time you realise what its doing, its too late.
16:200C:2 Flu symptoms
Dry eyes at night and morning
Runny nose - dull headache
Feel like I am de-toxing.
Very tired in morning and evening.
18:30c:0. Immediate lifting of chronic depressed state. (I have worked in a garage and become ill from contact with paint thinners, degreasers and leaded and unleaded fuel and brake fluid. I made potencies of Thinners and leaded fuel and took them which relieved the acute malaise but they didn’t stop the general chemical sensitivity to chemical influences in the environment. Dioxin 30 did.) CS
DEEP TIREDNESS / FLU-LIKE
1a:30c:1 Tired in afternoon, bit sensitive and body sore.
2a:18c:10 Listless - not much energy. Could sit all day reading
3a:0/4:2 Very tired from 4 pm, withdrawn.
5:0/4:1 Physically feeling tired. A deep tiredness with strange sensations in my muscles, twitches and little pin-pricks.
5:0/4:1 In the morning hard to get up.
5:0/4:2 In afternoon feeling physically very tired. Deeply tired.
5:0/4:2 Feel out of it, almost flu-like
5:0/4:7 I feel very tired. Pre-menstrual tired, not due to bleed for another 2 weeks.
5:0/4:10 Amazing energy ++. Was not hard to get up.
Scrubbed house, I was unstoppable.
5:0/4:11 Sluggish, slow and inefficient on waking.
6:30c:3 Woke up, felt weary after all dreams.
9a:18c:9 Low energy, achy muscles, fatigued.
13c:7M:0 Very hyperactive – I did lots of work.
13c:7M:0 Feel so tired and want to sleep for ages but can’t – do heaps of work.
16:200C:2 Flu symptoms
Dry eyes at night and morning
Runny nose - dull headache
Feel like I am de-toxing.
Very tired in morning and evening.
MUSCLES, TWITCHES AND TREMORS
5:0/4:2 Strange sensations in muscles, twitches and little pin- prickles.
9a:18c:3 Trembling sensation in body - as if muscles weak and stressed.
9a:18c:5 Muscles weak, aching and fatigued
13a:30c:0 Tremor on the inside.
FOOD
2a:18c: Desiring juices.
16:200C:5 Desiring fruit and juice.
OTHERS
13a:30c:0 Good for children:
Not quite awake. Daydreamer.
13a:30c:0 The remedy acts like a Shaman and goes inside and removes the river of tar. Has an element of the esoteric. Relates closely to DNA. Works on the heart and lungs.
13b:1M:0 The river of tar is like a belt around me. It divided me into parts. One part can’t see the other. One part wants to (just) listen and shut down. In other people it would take them away from their real self. DNA will follow this remedy well.
18:30C:-- Vitality no longer heavily affected by heavy food. CS
HEAD
4:0/4:0: Half hour later: Felt pressure in head from ears upwards, a slight headache quite euphoric, similar to being stoned, but only from ears to eyes.
4:0/4:2 Heavy head, pressure on eyes all afternoon until wine, then went away.
9a:18c:3 Itchy scalp ++
9a:18c:5 Itchy scalp ++, Day and night.
9b:18c:10 Itchy scalp
15a:200c:0: Immediately on taking the remedy – a tension in forehead and an inclination to space out or drift off.
18:30c:0: Immediately: rush of energy up back and sides of neck to back and sides of head.
Gathering at top of spine from shoulders and then upwards; exhilarating.
Immediate release of previously unnoticed constant pressure on the side of the skull at the rear.
18:30c:-- Conscious of occiput full of energy.
HEAD PAIN
5:0/4:11 Woke with a headache. > Coffee.
7:18c:7 Only been to stool once in a week. Forgot to go.
Leads to headache.
7:18c:7 After visited friends place (a junkie) with lots of negative vibes around:
I didn’t remember to protect myself at her place. I was vulnerable – had just come from healing work.
Vomited with headache in evening when got up to go to bed. First time. Then slept well.
8:0/4:1 Tension headache, stiff in back of head.
8:0/4:2 Tension headache, gone last night, has come back today about 4 pm (seems some pattern)
12:30c:2 Headache in forehead in afternoon. DULL. Always there, sometimes foreground, sometimes background. At bedtime felt like it was in the eyes as well. Dull pain in the eyes.
12:30c:4 Dense and dull. Headache like hangover headache. ‘Everything too much’.
Sensitive to slightest jarring motion.
12:30c:-- Throughout proving (10 days) there were headache symptoms of varying degrees of a sick, toxic origin – like alcohol poisoning.
18:30c:0: Left hemisphere pain, < towards evening; > after eating.
NECK
11:18C:3 Neck sore (Same feeling as knee) 'strained feeling'
< right side
< looking to the right
< looking up; looking down.
BACK
1a:30c:4 Lower back sore, positive feelings and experiences with it.
3a:0/4:1 Woke with sore throat, sore back, blocked nose.
7:18c:8 Woke with shoulders so sore with tension.
8:0/4:5 Sore sacral area
13a:30c:0 Back heavy – maybe related to top half of lungs. Energy blocked or retarded in that area.
FACE
1a:30c:1 Pain in right upper rear jaw.
4:0/4:2 Woke up today with cold sore, corner of mouth.
Can feel it growing; hardly ever had one.
Itchy left side.
8:0/4:8 Pimples on face - forehead, jaw-line, chin.
11:18c:1 Lips chapped - normally does this in the wind, but had been inside all day.
11:18c:6 Blind pimple came up two days ago, right forehead above eye (2" above)
This is unusual because it didn't come to head.
12:30c:2 Skin on face became really dry around mouth, nose and chin.
VISION
18:30C:-- Floating spots in vision of left eye, then right.
EAR
9b:18c:10 Right ear blocked and ringing in right ear
13a:30c:0 Left ear: gland feels affected. ‘Tar in ear.’
Pain from left 2nd from back molar, straight up into ear.
15a:200c:7 Ears totally blocked for few hours in evening.
15a:200c:7 Itching in ears at 3 – 4 am with Hay fever >. CS.
NOSE
5:0/4:11 Blocked left sinus on waking.
5:0/4:12 Slept badly - restless, blocked right nostril; I could not breath well. Cold descending.
5:0/4:13 Have a cold, congested sinuses.
3a:0/4:1-3 Woke with sore throat, sore back, blocked nose.
3b:0/4: Got sore throat, dry mouth, sinus blocked, both sides, then alternating. Yellow and white snot.
8:0/4:5 Sneezing, runny nose
9a:18c:7 Head congested, runny nose, sneezing
13a:30c:0 Nose: smell of damp rocks.
15a:200c:7 Hay fever >. CS.
Was < change of temperature (to warm or cold); in the sun; hands in warm water; morning. Was > after eating.
Six months later his hay fever of many years standing is still cured.
MOUTH
3a:0/4:3 Dry mouth.
9a:18c:6 Flatulence, belching, poor digestion.
Tongue coated in yellow.
15a:200c:7 Itching in roof of mouth on waking 3 – 4 am with Hay fever > CS.
TEETH
13a:30c:0 Pain from left 2nd from back molar, straight up into ear.
THROAT
3a:0/4:1-3 Woke with sore throat, sore back, blocked nose.
3b:0/4: Got sore throat, dry mouth, sinus blocked, both sides, then alternating.
8:0/4:2 Woke up - Throat sore like someone had hit me.
Felt bruised (never happened before.)
Nothing has helped (ie rubbing etc)
STOMACH
9a:18c:7 Heat in stomach, fullness, poor digestion
Digestion eased by night time.
11:18c:1,4 Not as hungry as usual.
12:30c:2 A lot more thirsty.
15a:200c:1 On waking in bed –less anxiousness in stomach than usual. CS
15a:200c:1 Yesterday: acid heartburn often; not related to eating.
15a:200c:2 Lot of flatulence continued.
15a:200c:3 Acid burps on and off. Acid heartburn still.
ABDOMEN
8:0/4:5 Bloated intestines. Full feeling.
9a:18c:6 Flatulence, belching, poor digestion.
Gut ache, feel too full to eat.
14:0/4:Day 0. Prickling solar plexus: "something will happen" feeling, similar to when I began to perceive something on a clairvoyant level.
15a:200c:0 All evening a lot of free moving flatulence, without indigestion or anxiety in stomach. No discomfort.
18:30c:-- Conscious of spleen; not pain, just a slight feeling of discomfort.
CHEST
7:18C:4 Twinges of pain – intense but short lived and over.
Like the one in the thumb earlier.
9b:18c:5 Heaviness and pain in heart solar plexus region.
9b:18c:6 Awoke with solar plexus agitation and heart ache.
12:30c:1 Sharp pain under right arm, nipple height.
13a:30c:0 Emphysema. Blocked in heart area.
MALE SEXUAL
4:0/4:2 Sex drive increased: Feeling like company in bed.
4:0/4:2 Wake up at night with erection at least once.
18:30C:-- Itching under-side of penis for two weeks.
FEMALE SEXUAL
8:0/4:4 Close to heaviness in lower back, abdomen and pelvic floor, a lot of discomfort. Don't usually get this type of physical feeling with periods.
BLADDER
4:0/4:2 Had to get up in night to urinate three times last night.
9a:18c:10 Frequent urination esp. in evening
11:18c:1-6 Slept right through the night, didn't have to get up to go to toilet. CS
12:30C:5 Period 10 days early (usually 28-35 days).
14:0/4:0 Had to pee every hour and first two nights had to get up during the night as well.
18:30C:-- Frequent urging to urinate.
Urine pale, then infrequent and dark.
18:30C:-- Pain in right kidney.
18:30C:-- Nocturnal urination gone. CS
RECTUM
2a:18c:1-2 Extra bowel movement per day for first two days.
7:18c:7 Only been to stool once in a week. Forgot to go. (Worse than usual)
7:18c:8 Shocked this morning when went to toilet and it was so dry. Hadn’t thought about it all week. Usually make sure I go.
9a:18c:10 Smelly bowel movement at night
11:18c:0:1 hour. Took remedy 10:00 pm, one hour after passed huge stool.
18:30c:-- Constipation marked; stool small and hard after great urging.
SLEEP
1a:30c:2 Little sleep between 12.30 and 6 am.
3a:0/4:3 Restless sleep, no dreams.
4:0/4:1 Tossing and turning night.
4:0/4:1 Had a sleep at 2:30 pm because it was a nice thing to do.
4:0/4:2 Nap today at about 1 pm.
7:18c:1 Woke 6 am. (not 4 as usually do) CS
9a:18c:7 Restless night
11:18c:2 Slept well, deeper than usual.
14:0/4:2 Slept very soundly like I used to. For the past months I slept very lightly. CS
18:30C:- Desire to sleep in but can raise easily if necessary (formerly grouchy in mornings). CS
EXTREMITIES
6:30c:4 On walk a little stretch, pain in Achilles tendon in ankle.
Lasted about 4-5 minutes. Walked it out.
7:18c:1 Evening – noticed a pain in thumb – excruciating pain. Pain extends from top of hand to top-side of left thumb. Came and went quickly.
7:18c:7 Last night: sharp pain in top of left foot.
Today: sharp pain in fourth toe of left foot.
7:18c:12 Still occasional sharp pains – come and go quickly.
9a:18c:3 Ache in left arm.
11:18C:3 Leg sore from knee downward (From shins to ankles)
A 'tiredness' feeling as if used a lot.
12:30c:1 Knuckles in both hands stiff, sharp pains on movement OS
13a:30c:0 Itch on left inner elbow. Wants to take skin off.
Slightest touch or scratching will make skin red.
9b:18c:4 Heat in bottom of right calf. Felt in morning and lunchtime
9b:18c:5 Ache and numbness in left upper arm.
11:18c:2 Left knee weak and sore (back of knee) same last night
> sitting down
< standing and running
18:30C:-- Split under second smallest toe on left foot.
18:30C:-- Painful soles of foot when rising in morning. < left.
18:30C:-- Numbness of left heel.
PERSPIRATION
13a:30c:0 Sweat smelly – smells like exuding toxins.
SKIN
2a:18c:9-21 Got Dermatitis on knuckles of left hand for first time.
- used Roundup
My Grandfather had dermatitis. No other family or personal history.
2b:0/4:1 Now develop dermatitis on right hand knuckle.
2b:0/4:10 Dermatitis spread slowly towards ends of fingers.
13a:30c:0 Itch. Wants to take skin off.
Itchy and burning – the whole body.
Slightest touch or scratching will make skin red.
18:30C:-- Skin peeling on heels.
RELATIONSHIPS
Complementary: DNA before or after. Camphora